Randoms: “I will take your mother out to a nice seafood dinner and NEVER call her again!”

“Randoms” is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day.  Most are sports related, but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in.

  • Jeff Van Gundy, Charles Barkley, and Terry Bradshaw should be the only commentators ever allowed to grace us with their two-cents. These three are the funniest commentators in all of sports and should seriously be hired to announce every single game no matter the sport. Maybe throw in Marv Alberts every once in awhile just so we can still be reminded of how he bit that chick during his perverted oral sex scandal. Why don’t we talk about that more? Gems like that should not be allowed to die.
  • Very disappointed that Angie did not win for CHANGELING. But if anyone was going to beat her, Katie, unlike milk on a hot day in San Diego, was not a bad choice.
  • Ray Allen recently tied Larry Bird for the Celtics all-time record of consecutive made free throws, with 71. 97 is the league record. Allen tied Bird’s record while playing against the Suns. Think Shaq was taking notes?
  • This past week I was working in the basement of a hospital in Long Beach. We were filming in an actual, real life, working morgue. Crazy hours and no cell or WiFi reception would explain my lack of columns as of late. Anyway, I am not sure if you heard me but I said we were filming in a working morgue. That means that shooting was delayed several times throughout our days there so that hospital staff could open the walk-in refrigerator door (again this is inside the very same room in which our television crew is filming) and both admit and release real life dead bodies. Just wheel them on down the hallway on a gurney past the film crew, grip stands, electrician carts, camera carts, craft services food, etc…Just plain creepy.
  • Oh and to top it all off this morgue was in the basement of the hospital, as one might expect. What one might not expect is that the hospital cafeteria kitchen is in the same hallway, two doors away. No joke. Is anyone else a little put off by this? Hungry?
  • “It’s awesome that he’s got on chain-mail.” My seemingly normal friend Erin’s exact quote while a dude wearing a muscle shirt made out of the same shit that knights fought battles in walked past us. Who owns this type of attire? Better yet who woke up one day and designed a freakin’ chain-mail muscle shirt?
  • Another fantastic quote came from my buddy Josher as we were groovin’ to Sirius satellite radio’s 60’s on 6. We were talking about some random chick, I can’t remember who but this came next…”She’s so hot I’d lose weight chasing her.” Still laughing, might stop Sunday, but could very well laugh through Monday about this one. Hilarious.
  • A little shout out is in order to my Virginia Tech Hokies. Way to get some revenge on the 12th ranked Tigers of Clemson the other night. We are in the middle of a brutal ACC stretch to end the season and this was a huge win.
  • I was able to speak to my Lakers fan friend at work yesterday because he was wearing a Duke sweatshirt. Duke handed Maryland (thanks Jason. Sorry Dad) a nice in-conference loss the other day. I will however talk endless trash tomorrow since the devils in blue travel to Blacksburg Saturday.
  • A conversation between you and me might go a little something like this:

Me: Hey what are you doing this Saturday at 12:30 Pacific Time?

You: Sleeping off my hang-over.

Me: No you’re not bitch, you’re watching the Hokies play Coach K at Cassell.

You: Holy crap I am. Thanks for setting me straight.

  • So set your alarms, grab a Gatorade and a handful of ibuprofen, boose-hounds cause it’s gonna be a good one.
  • Am I the only one having trouble calling Gatorade…G? Any commercials featuring the Jabbawockies mixed in with shots of sporting legends just kinda seems ridiculous.
  • Really? The Jabbawockies? So I googled this term because being the middle class white guy that I am, I have no idea what in the hell a jabbawockie is? Evidently it is defined in the “urban dictionary” as the following – “to rythmical dance with a group of your closest friends.” What is the world coming to when this is a defined term? Aren’t there other issues that we could be focusing our brain power on instead of making up really stupid definitions for really stupid made up words? Come on people.
  • So I just checked out the Jabbawockies (the group) on YouTube. Think I just figured out what me and a group of my closest friends are doing this weekend. All I need now are some matching Starter baseball caps and 1970’s ice hockey goalie masks. Ohhh imagine the fun…Unbelievable.
  • What’s with the University of Maryland’s men’s basketball team coming on so strongly lately? Like a recently divorced cougar let loose in a fraternity house.
  • I know I have said this many times before but you just have to love a guy who can sweat through a suit. Not just the dress shirt mind you but also the suit jacket. And I bet if you look closely enough, probably the tie too. His head is like a mop by the end of the first half. Gotta love Gary Williams.
  • Let’s wish Greenberg and the boys good luck this Saturday. They have the skill but a little luck never hurt anyone either.

As always, questions, comments, and rythmical dance is more than welcome. Kick some Duke ass Hokies.

About Jeff Cockey
Sports comedy writer

2 Responses to Randoms: “I will take your mother out to a nice seafood dinner and NEVER call her again!”

  1. Jason says:

    UNC hasn’t lost to Duke this year… your thinking Maryland and that won’t happen again.

    Barkley had a little trouble with the law this year as well… remember the young lady in the car when he was pulled over recently? I’m sure Barkley’s wife does

  2. Christina says:

    So much for sleeping through Saturday for you! Hope your “Fraturday” isn’t too long. Thanks for the reminder about the game on Saturday. I’ll be sure to watch.

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