Randoms

“Randoms” is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day.  Most are sports related, but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in.

• An ESPN 2 commentator for the Maryland – Boston College game gave us this gem after a hard foul, “just disconnected Tyrese Rice from his chiclets.” There needs to be more off the cuff commentating like this.

• My friend Traylor and I were messing with A-camera’s tape measure, trying to guess distances. We sucked badly at it. They use this tape measure to drop focus marks. How is that any fun? Why measure when you can improv? Improv focusing pulling would be pretty damn funny. YouTube that blurry shit.

• People at work are reading a lot of books. This is the only industry I know where you can knock out the Hardy Boys series and get paid while you do it. Gotta love mysteries.

• I can’t get Guns N Roses’ “Patience” out of my head. Shouldn’t be complaining, it beats the hell out of that “Careless Whisper” crap that was in there last week.

• Why did the Hokies just suck ass and squander a 15 point lead to #11 Clemson? 15 points! That game defied physics (thanks Paul), it sucked and blew at the same time. That could be the biggest choke ever. No wait, silly me. The biggest choke ever is being up three games to none in the American League Championship Series and then losing the next four games in a row and a shot at the World Series title. Sorry Yankees, I didn’t mean to step on your turf there.

• Experts see a dim future for the US Postal Service. Postal rates are due to rise in May and the USPS wants to cut delivery to 5 days/week. Guess we will have to come up with a new “crazy” phrase soon. “Dude just went ‘Fed-Ex’ on my ass.” I don’t know, you guys come up with some and let me know. I just wonder what all the Cliff Claven’s will do with their Saturdays now.

• Barry Bonds is in the news again. Evidently the Feds raided his trainer’s mother-in-laws home. The trainer’s lawyer offered up this nugget, “even the Mafia spares the women and children.” I love how Barry freakin’ Bonds is being compared to the Godfather. “Don’t ask me about my anabolic injections.” Question…Will they put Bonds and the Rocket in the same cell, and if so, will Roger still be the “pitcher?”

• That new TV show “Lie to Me” is going to suck for guys who have non-trusting girlfriends. “But honey I was with the guys, watching the game.” “Don’t lie to me. I saw your left nostril flare and your right eyelid twitch when you said ‘with the guys.'” The producers who thought up this brilliance should be shot.

• Interesting fact: Nine of the top ten most viewed TV shows ever have been Superbowls. However, the largest television audience ever was watching the final episode of a show that lasted 8 years longer than the war it was about.

• In other Superbowl news, Playboy and Sports Illustrated canceled their annual Superbowl parties. What is the world coming to when naked girls can’t party during a football game?

• What do you do when someone you don’t know (but has a friend in common with you) sends you a FB request? Is there friend request etiquette? Do you accept? Do you deny with a nice message like “Hey, who in the heck are you? Better luck next time.” Someone needs to hammer this out. I don’t want to ignore someone’s friend request and have them go all “what can brown do for you” on me.

• Tek is still unsigned. This is worrisome. Weighing in on this is my good buddy Schill….Anytime Curt….Anytime.

• Boston.com’s Eric Wilbur wrote a sports blog titled “Cold Shoulder.” In this he talked about a family skiing in Vermont and how the Dad said they would have to go inside, have some hot chocolate and warm up after a few runs. To which the boy replied that they came here to ski not drink hot chocolate. The author said “I wanted this to be my son.” Hilarious…What has happened to us? We have become a nation of wusses. This reminds me of my east coast friends whining about the snow and cold weather and how they would give anything to switch with me and my 80 degree LA January. It’s not all roses here either. I actually formed a bead of sweat on my brow today just ordering my no sugar added, skim milk, green tea ice blended latte with whip at Coffee Bean. It was THAT hot out. So toughen up you cupcakes.

• I’m just gonna put it out there. The Bay Cities Godmother with the works and hots is hands down the best sub sandwich anywhere.

• There is a lot of pressure to come up with a good FB status. It’s like your coolness factor is measured upon how many people comment on it. No? Just me?

• There are an inordinate amount of FB mentions in this column. This will not happen again.

• I actually had a conversation today about the specific product I should be using for my hair. What is happening to me? I feel like my grandpa should be yelling at me right now….”Hair product? Boy in my day we just used the grease from our foreheads and that was that.” “Grease from your forehead? Grandpa, what kind of facial cleanser were you using?” AAAHHHHHHH.

• If I get another request for that freakin’ “25 random things” about you crap that someone started sending around the internet I am going to go postal…while I still can that is.

• What? Hell’s Kitchen is back on? Why has nobody told me this? Chef Gordon Ramsey is insane. Absolutely love this shit.

• Why did someone go and screw up the “Transporter” movies? The first one was just plain kick ass, and now, well, I turned the second one off to watch Jackie Chan Adventures – The animated escapades of the action-movie star and his 11 yr. old niece. OK, I really didn’t, but is anyone else even the least bit interested in finding out if his cartoon niece is a bad ass too? Again, just me?

The big game is Sunday and I am still sticking with my original pick… The Superbowl champs will be the Arizburgh Steelnals.

As always questions, comments, and insults can be hurled my way…

Recommendations

Short and sweet, this column is for Virginia Tech fans (or curious UVA fans who have trouble facing the truth) and dog lovers. I didn’t write either of the two columns below but I think both are well worth the read. Please copy and paste them into your web browser and read them.

This first link deals with a question that all Hokies have known the answer to for some time now and it seems that Cavalier fans are finally seeing the light. Written by a Wahoo for other Wahoos, but enjoyed by Hokie nation.

http://cavalierdaily.com/news/2009/jan/13/hoo-wants-to-be-a-hokie/

This second link is a little more difficult to read. It is written by Bill Simmons of ESPN and Jimmy Kimmel fame. His “Sports Guy” link is on my page and I highly recommend checking him out. This column of his in particular deals not with sports but with man’s best friend. I am a dog guy, always have been always will be. I grew up with countless big dogs. From a Collie to a German Shepherd to several Boxers. We even took a few in from wandering the streets, like Sam the Irish Setter and Lady the white Shepherd. But this column of Bill’s struck a chord with me in particular because one of my best friends throughout high school, college and up until my move out here to LA was my Golden Retriever, Buddy.

I woke up this morning and couldn’t seem to drag myself out of bed to go to the gym before work and that got me thinking about Buddy. Specifically about the time just after college graduation. I lived at my father’s house for about a year before moving out on my own. During that year I grew used to having Buddy around and he did the same. When I was out with my friends on a Saturday night or even just coming home from work during the week, he would wait up for me, no matter how late, at the top of the stairs. He knew the sound of my Jeep and even if he had fallen asleep he would wake up when he heard me pull into the driveway. We had a nightly ritual. I’d get home and his tail would start pounding the floor at the top of the staircase. I’d go sit on the top step with him for a couple of minutes and say hello. He’d shake my hand with his paw, give me a kiss on the cheek and then head to bed knowing that I was safe at home.

Buddy passed away the very day I began my cross country trip to LA. He was sad to see me pack my car and knew what was going on when he saw the suitcases. He laid still on the tile floor watching the front door. He wouldn’t wag his tail and he didn’t get up to eat. He was sad, and so was I. I went over to him and sat with him for a couple of minutes. To steal a line from Bill Simmon’s column, “dog’s always know.” Buddy knew. He knew that this would be the last time we ever saw each other. So he lifted his head and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I am not sure why this morning I thought about him, there have been many mornings when I didn’t want to get up and go to the gym. For some reason though, this morning made me think back to that day I moved out of my parents house. You see my friend and I had made a couple of trips to my new place with his pick-up truck and with each trip my room became more empty and Buddy more sad. On the very last trip the only thing left was my bed. I remember walking into my room and seeing Buddy laying on it. I sat with him for awhile and when it was time to move the bed, he wouldn’t budge. He went limp. He figured as long as I couldn’t move him then I couldn’t move my bed and thus couldn’t move out. It was very heart warming. He knew. I guess that’s why I thought of him this morning when I didn’t want to get out of bed either. Thanks Bill for writing this column.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090122

Randoms

“Randoms” is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day.  Most are sports related, but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in.

• First off, I need to say that I left out one of the best things I didn’t miss from my last column. Seeing Curt Schilling pitch in the 2007 ALDS. He crushed the Angels, and I am happy to say that watching Curt hurl in person is something every Red Sox fan should do, or I guess should have done would be more appropriate. Schill feel free to comment on this column if you’d like. I was checking my comments today and surprisingly, still nothing from you man. What gives?

• Steelers will win the Superbowl. You heard it here. I’m not afraid to go out on a limb like this. Steelers are your champs.

• SHOW ME THE MONEY. Let’s talk agents. First you have Scott Boras, brilliant at making himself millions of dollars off the talents and hard work of others. Truly a gift wouldn’t you agree? You bust your ass mastering your craft, working out year round, not to mention the constant practice, practice, practice (unless, of course, you’re A.I.), and this douchbag agent (I don’t know him personally but it has been my experience that agents do absolutely nothing for you except collect money for YOUR hard work) does nothing but spend money that is rightfully yours. That was quite a sentence. He is so greedy that not only did he almost cost A-Rod to, in the words of one of the Steinbrenner brats, go into the hall of fame as a Toledo Mud Hen, but he is also costing Jason Varitek millions of guaranteed dollars. A-Rod, ended up making the deal with the Yanks on his own for big bucks but poor Varitek is offered two years at a guaranteed 8 million (possibility of 10 million) instead of a 1 year contract that, through arbitration, probably would have gotten him 10 million. In addition to Boras only caring about his clients (extreme sarcasm), another agent Randy Hendricks, representing another Yankees player, Andy Pettitte (who made 16 million last year) may have given his client some very bad advice. Pettitte was offered 10 million this year, and he and his agent turned it down and held out for the monstrous contract that he just signed with the Yankees which guarantees him, hold onto your socks, 5.5 million. Isn’t the advice of an agent awesome. Oh and I forgot about another Scott Boras client, Manny Ramirez, who was offered a 2-year 45 million dollar contract from the Dodgers. Boras turned it down. The market for Manny dried up and now spring training is right around the corner. Nobody knows what is going to happen here but it is clear that agents are just greedy bastards that care nothing about their clients and only about trying to bleed organizations dry so that their cut of money they have done nothing to earn is higher. Apologies to Jerry Macguire.

• How is it that Andy Pettitte has skated, virtually unscathed through this entire steroid and HGH debacle. I guess admission of guilt clears you of any and all wrong doing. Note to all law breakers, just admit it, and go hang out with Andy, making millions, living the good life.

• PTI just debated the two teams in the Superbowl. But the question wasn’t who would win, instead it was about who has the prettier uniform. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? When did one of the best sports shows on television go Queer Eye on us? Really? Reali how could you allow this?………By the way the answer is the Steelers. What?

• T.O. has a reality show coming out. Could anyone love himself more. Now I’m vain but this takes the cake. I am so glad this douchebag was never a Redskin. If only we could erase the Deion Sanders years.

• So sad that Shaq going 9 for 10 from the line makes sports headlines. It is called a FREE throw for Christ’s sake.

• The Arizona Cardinals will roll on Feb. 1. No contest. The Cards behind Warner and Fitz will take home the hardware. You heard it here. I am not afraid to go out on a limb like this.

• The owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban, has, during his tenure as owner, paid roughly $1.5 million in, get this, fines. FINES. I have to pawn shit to pay a $40 parking ticket. Man, it must be nice. Oh, and good work on that dine and dash ESPN commercial. Pretty damn funny. Maybe that’s where all the extra cash comes from.

• I am literally dumbfounded that the “experts” decided that VT basketball did not deserve a top 25 ranking.

• I just saw Chubby Checker on Orange County Choppers. Freakin’ great show. As soon as ESPN, Foxsports.com, CBS sportsline, or someone else takes note of these columns and decides to hire me to write for them, I will be hiring Paul Sr., Jr., and Mikey to build me one of them bikes. BTW, I had the pleasure of seeing Chubby Checker live during the halftime of Superbowl XXII. Come on baby, let’s do the twist.

• I’m doing it. I’m buying a Sham-wow. I swear I am going to pull the trigger soon.

• Facebook is lifesucking. At one point the other day I was IMing on FB and Gmail at the same time. Why again am I not productive?

• So my roommate is doing this exercise program where he has to eat certain foods that he orders from this company. They sent him a box of bars that were scheduled to expire the very next week. He called them and had them send him another box that would last longer. It arrived yesterday, and the expiration date was exactly the same as the original box. So he called them again. Frankly, I hope to god that they get it right this time because for the past 24 hours I can’t get George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” out of my head. It is evidently the only song this company played while my roommate was on hold. And he was kind enough to share that bit of musical dog poop with me. Bastard.

• Oh, and in case I forgot to give my prediction…….Defense always wins championships. Steelers take it, hands down. You heard it here. I am not afraid to go out on a limb like this. Steel-town get ready to celebrate.

As always, comments, concerns, and insults are always welcome. Bring it.

What I didn’t miss…

While I am not able to catch everything worth seeing I have seen a few kick ass things worth mentioning. Here are some of those things I didn’t miss…

I didn’t miss the Hokie – Hurricane hoops game. Really? Asbury with that ridiculously long three-pointer to send this into overtime? I keep phrasing these as questions because I still can’t believe he made that. Bastard. What a freakin’ game. As I write this there is 26.4 seconds left in overtime and AD Vassallo is shooting a 1-1, with Tech up by 1. Hell yeah baby, Tech up by 3 and Miami is holding for a last second 3-pointer to tie yet again. and NO GOOD, NO GOOD. Tech up by 5. Making it 5 wins in a row, 9 of the last 10 and two huge ACC road wins this week for my Virginia Tech Hokies. I am so damn glad I got to see this game. Maybe the networks should pay some attention to this squad and put them on national TV more often. I’m just saying. 4-1 in ACC play baby.

I didn’t miss the Screen Actors Guild awards Sunday night. Why is this important? Well to me because, it’s my job, it’s my guild and I had the luck and honor to act in a very good movie that has some nominations. None for me personally, but I’ll take anything I can get. Oh, and Kate Winslet (who won the Actor for Best Supporting Female Actor for her role in “The Reader”) is just one of those people who when you first see them you don’t think “WOW”, but then you look again and she really is rather beautiful.

I didn’t miss the 2004 ALCS series when the Red Sox played the Yankees. The game when the now traitor Johnny Damon drove in what I distinctly remember as 18 runs with one incredible swing of the stick. He completely deflated the Yankees sending them to schedule their tee times, while the Red Sox made plans for the World Series. I was working as a background artist on the show “Yes Dear” on the CBS Radford lot at the time. Now the one thing you need to know about the show “Yes Dear” is that the entire cast, minus one, are fans of the Boston Red Sox. So they were understandably torn about having to film during this deciding game. They ran back and forth from stage to Mike O’Malley’s dressing room to watch the game. Now I always have my Sox hat with me. It’s hooked to my bag and Mike happened to notice it. The rest is history as I was running back and forth from stage to Mike’s dressing room as well. I watched the game with the entire cast of the show (minus one) and about 15 of Mike’s family and friends. It is still one of my best memories out here and was one of my favorite days of work. But most importantly the Sox came back from down 3-0 to shock the world. I didn’t get to see the Series but I did get to see the ALCS.

I didn’t miss Doug Williams and his 2nd quarter heroics in Superbowl XXII. I sat about 10 rows back from the field along the 5 yard line. When the ball was down toward the other endzone it was difficult to see over the helmets of the Broncos players standing on the sideline. I remember the long Elway bomb and their only field goal of the game. My father and I were surrounded by all Broncos fans but all I had to say was. “It’s cool. We’ll spot you 1 touchdown and 1 fieldgoal.” What a game. I also remember going to the Redskins hotel and getting autographs. Darrell Green was jogging toward a celebrity volleyball game and I had to sprint to keep up with him to get his John Hancock. It was quite an experience. If those bastards ever get their act together and get back to the big game I wouldn’t mind experiencing it as an adult too. Get your shit in gear Snyder.

I didn’t miss the Hokies national championship football game against FSU when Michael Vick dazzled everyone with his legs and arm. Bobby Bowden went to Peter Warrick on the sideline and said that the defense couldn’t stop Vick so it was up to him to win this game for them. And unfortunately he did. But damn what a game. As an aside, I just want to point out that shoplifter Laveranues Coles was thrown off of the team yet fellow shoplifter Peter Warrick played that night. Not quite sure about Bobby’s rules of punishment. Some might call him a hypocrite while others might say that it’s not hypocritical to be a hypocrite when a national championship is at stake. You make the call.

I didn’t miss the perfectly grilled steak that I had a week or so ago during the NFC championship game. Nothing looks better when you are hungry than an amazingly grilled steak sitting there with a twice grilled garlic potato and a pile of caramelized onions. I’m just saying. Oh and note to my roommate Seth, those Omaha steaks of yours sitting in the freezer might not make it past our Superbowl party this weekend. I’m just saying.

I didn’t miss driving cross country. When I moved from the East coast to LA, I realized that Nebraska has unbelievable lightning storms and it’s Iowa that has all the damn corn.

I didn’t miss the South Lakes High School football team beating Langley in Langley’s homecoming game with a last second field goal that scraped the paint off of the crossbar. My buddy Ross was the long snapper on that team and I distinctly remember Ross putting his hand on the football and then promptly standing up and looking back toward the holder. Why? Neither I nor he knows. And even more puzzling is why the zebras didn’t throw a false start flag moving our kick back 5 yards and leaving our field goal attempt just short of a win. But why question the wisdom of the refs. They obviously knew better in this instance.

I didn’t miss seeing the sunrise over the Tetons in Wyoming, or was that a sunset? I don’t really fully remember that ski trip. It was all a blur thanks to the beer wench at the Mangy Moose.

I didn’t miss driving through an actual forest fire. Not recommended by the way, but if unavoidable it is an awesome sight to behold. It just goes to show that mother nature can kick us in the skittles anytime she wants.

Oh, and I didn’t miss Lord Stanley’s Cup. I got to see it while working on the show MONK. It was brought to us at lunchtime while shooting at a marina in Long Beach. Believe it or not, they really do have Keepers of the Cup. A guy in a tux with white gloves that accompanies the hardware everywhere.

I am anxious to see what they rank the Hokies after their phenomenal week.

As always, question, comments, and insults can be hurled my way.

What was I doing instead…?

What was I doing instead of watching the Virginia Tech Hokies men’s basketball team absolutely dismantle the #1 team in nation, the Wake Forest Demon Deacons?

For some reason I have a habit of missing some amazing things. Take for instance last night. I was driving to this pretty kick ass party at the Smogshoppe in Culver City when an earthquake struck. It wasn’t a huge earthquake mind you, only about a 3 or so on my boy Richter’s trusty scale. But the epicenter was in Venice which is about two towns over from my house and from the Smogshoppe party venue. Why do I bring this up? Well, because I missed it. Evidently it is extremely difficult to feel an earthquake while riding in your car, and I was en route to the party at the time. Go figure. Most people would be happy to miss something like this but I look at it this way. Either I experience the quake, making me more aware of their power and thus more safety conscious. For instance, maybe I remove that surfboard that hangs on the wall right above my bed. Might be a little bit of a hazard should I be sleeping during a large quake. Or I experience the quake and it is a really cool ride. Obviously, a really cool ride only if nobody gets hurt. But at a 3.something, it was not an earth shaker to cause any damage. Either way I missed it and I feel slighted. What was I doing instead of experiencing an earthquake? Driving on the 10.

Back to this past Wednesday night when Wake lost their first game of the season becoming the last college undefeated to go down. And down at that hands of my Virginia Tech Hokies. What was I doing instead of watching that memorable game? I was sitting in a conference room, staring at my friends Marvin and Josher wondering if the DP was going to drop a double in the 10k that was blinding me from behind the dolly. None of that is important. What was important was that I was constantly refreshing my phone for up to the second scoring and the Hokies were giving me one hell of a scare. They let the Deacons get within two late in the second half. One second we are up by 10 and I’m smiling at the camera hoping video village isn’t watching me fiddle with my Sportacular application rather than do my job, and the next the Deacs are on a monster streak bringing it to within a single bucket. I don’t need that kind of excitement. I am sure all of you know what it is like watching a telephone display seeing only the score and not knowing. Not knowing who has the ball. Not knowing who is open, who is setting the pick, who is driving the lane, riding the pine, standing and cheering, shooting the foul shot, pulling up for the “J”. You don’t know who is doing anything. You only know that the refresh button seems to take forever at this moment. All you can do is pray that when the new screen finally pops up it’s your team with the higher score. And in this case, it was. What was I doing instead of watching the Hokies victory? Working. Damn the need to pay rent.

One of a few other memorable moments in the history of sports that I have missed do to work includes the 2004 World Series when the Boston Red Sox finally reversed the curse. Of all the things to miss. I missed almost every game of that series but most importantly I missed the final game. The one that sealed the deal. The game four sweep that crowned The Nation victors. And what was I doing instead of watching that historical event take place? I was on the LAX (since canceled) stage doing camera wipes for a Heather Locklear and Blair Underwood two shot close up. I missed that game so whoever used to watch that show could see my shoulder flash past the camera once or twice… Living the dream.

What was I doing instead of watching, in person, the Detroit Red Wings hoist the Cup in their game four sweep of the Washington Capitals in the ’98 Stanley Cup? I was watching them do it on TV. Why? Well it began with an idea that my Buddy Ross, Amanda, and I had when the Caps secured their spot in the Cup series. Let’s go to a game. So I called my friendly neighborhood ticket broker. Always a good way to spend a down payment on a house for a couple of tickets to a game. Anyway, we had a choice. Three nosebleed tickets to Game 4 at the then MCI Center, or 3 nosebleed tickets to Game 3. Ross, a true hockey fan. Probably the biggest all around hockey fan I have ever met. And while Washington is his number one team, he is the type of guy that owns the sweaters of several different clubs simply because he appreciates the skills of the guys who play the game. I, on the other hand, am a Caps fan. These things in mind Ross wanted tickets to Game 4. You see at this point the Caps were down 2-0 in the series and Ross figured, hell if we get swept at least we will get to see Lord Stanely’s Cup right? Wrong, Ross… Thinking that it would jinx our team and surely cause a sweep I couldn’t possibly buy tickets to Game 4. So after donning my Richard Zednik sweater (I still say we never should have traded that guy but I wont get into that yet again.) and charging up my Citi card for the seats, I was on my to Game 3 of the cup finals. Needless to say we sat in the very last row screaming our lungs out as our Capitals went down to the Wings, leaving us at Ross’ place watching Game 4 and Lord Stanley’s Cup on the boob tube. What was I doing instead of watching the Wings raise the Cup? I was deflecting Ross’ cold stare as he was yelling “I told you so” with his eyes.

I did get to see the Cup many years later however, in person. I got to hoist it, read it, run my fingers over the names of Hockey’s greats and kiss it, but that is for a different column involving some of the coolest things I actually did get to see. I’m sure I have missed many more amazing things thus far in my life, but frankly, it’s a Saturday night and I’m tired of typing.

As always questions, comments, and insults are encouraged. Thanks for reading.

Randoms

“Randoms” is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day.  Most are sports related, but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in.

• So a couple of “writer” quotes caught my eye these last two days and prompted me to post this randoms column. The first was from the iGoogle “quotes of the day” application on my home page. It made me take a long hard look at the stacks of scripts sitting in my corner. I would throw them away if not for the hope that one day some producer will happen by, read them all and throw large sums of money at me in order to put them on the big screen… And eventually the little screen in reruns so I can make a killing on residuals.

“I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.” – Peter De Vries.

• This second quote was the first thing my friend wrote to me upon hearing that I had started writing my Wide Right columns again after my four year hiatus..

“It has always been my position that we should not give pen & ink to the masses!”

• He’s probably right but, screw it, he’s a Michigan fan. What does he know anyway? I do not however, have any problem whatsoever with his beautiful wife who has always been most kind to me and cooks the most amazing meals. Sucking up? Yep, I need a place to stay next time I’m in town.

• I rambled on in my earlier column about the NFC championship game mostly because I thought that it was going to be the least exciting of the two games and I really wanted to watch and pay complete attention to the AFC championship game. Much like my picks, however, I could not have been more wrong. The AFC game blew. It was about as exciting as sleeping, which I actually should be doing right now.

• So now we have the Steelers and the Cardinals. Who had the lucky pair to put down a couple thousand on the Cards to go all the way, in Vegas, at the begining of the season? You know someone out there did. Bet you it wasn’t Matt Leinart. Does he technically still have a career? No worries, if football fails him he can always rebound as a hot tub spokesperson. Just get him, his buddy Nick Lachey and their harem of bikini clad coeds. I can see him on a paid programming infomercial airing just after SHAM-WOW.

• What’s with these “related posts” links at the bottom of my columns? Absolutely none of them are related to anything in my blogs. They range from “Poverty stricken masses in Nigeria.” to the “WWF holiday gift catalog.” WTF?

• OK so I have been kind of hard on USC football lately and well, I do not know why I choose to pick on them. I have a lot of friends who went to USC and I have some who are kind enough to even invite me to games. Plus my roommate works for their athletic department for Christ’s sake. They are always a winning program and I really shouldn’t trash them in my columns so much… But is it too much to ask for their freakin’ band to learn to play a different song. Any song. I don’t care, just learn another song. You can still play the same unbelievably mind numbing Trojan fight song when your team scores, just not when they get a first down, and a 2nd and 7, and when they convert on a 3rd down, and when they make a tackle, and when they call a time out, and when they substitue a player, and when they take a knee and grab a drink of water, and when they, well you get the point. Next game I go to I am going to count the number of times they play that damn song and I guarantee you that it will be more than the combined score of all of the PAC-10 games for that week. Anyway, it’s just a suggestion.

• Are the Manning brothers really proud of those Doublestuff Oreo commercials they are doing? You guys have superbowl rings. Seriously.

• Anyone know how long broccoli stays good for?

• Am I the only one annoyed with Apple for ruining cool songs by overplaying them on their iPhone commercials. Oh, they worked. I bought the iPhone. I’m just saying.

• Have you guys seen that Samsung commercial with the old guy explaining the rules to becoming a gracious host? “Toughen up cupcake!” Hilarious.

• A-Rod, Michael Phelps, Kobe, and Tony Hawk in their underwear dancing around for a guitar hero commercial spoofing “Risky Business.” This has gone too far. I’m not positive on this statistic but I’m willing to bet that more guys than girls buy video games. So, I am thinking that maybe you should have called it quits after the Heidi Klum underwear spot.

• Why am I not in bed sleeping right now?

• What did people do before cell phones? What did I do before my iPhone? How do people live without it? If I lost my phone I’d feel like Oats sans Hall, Concord Grape without Skippy, Riggs minus Murtaugh.

• I am going to make my Superbowl picks right now, very early on so that I can change them many times before February 1. Cards or Steelers? Hmmm…well my first inclination is to go with the Steelers. They are the number one defense in the NFL and as we all know, defense wins championships. But judging by my performance in the last two games I would then say that the Cardinals will win, if for no other reason than the fact that I think the Steelers should win. So therefor I am picking the Cardinals to win it all, which means that if betting you should let it ride on Pittsburgh. Simple as that.

• Oh, and my Virginia Tech Hokies beat Boston College the other night and now have a winning record in the ACC. They face off this Wednesday night in a very difficult in-conference match up against Wake Forest. It is televised nationally on ESPN2. Watch it people. Let’s Go Hokies…..

Until next time, questions, comments, and insults are always encouraged.

Scribbles – NFC Championship Game

Scribbles is a column that outlines my day as it is happening.

So I woke up early (11:30am. It’s Sunday, that’s early.) I wanted to throw some laundry in before the Eagles/Cardinals game. It’s the best time to do laundry because who is going to do their laundry during the games today, right? I get downstairs to the laundry room, round the corner and it’s like the men’s room at the Verizon Center in between periods. Every guy in my complex is in line for the washing machines.

Man was I relieved that Jordan Sparks sang the national anthem before the Eagles/Cards game. I thought it was supposed to be Jennifer Hudson. I have met Jennifer Hudson. Well I met her “people” at the Vanity Fair party the year she won her Oscar for Dreamgirls. I was standing near the entrance and I guess I looked like her bitch because I watched as she sent her “people” over to me. Now this guy walking toward me is wearing one of those ear piece things that the uber important employees at The Gap wear. You know, in case there is some denim emergency and they need to mobilize quickly to prevent a Gap meltdown.

Anyway, this douchebag walks up to me and says that Ms. Hudson needs a table. Now, if you have never been to the Vanity Fair after Oscars party before, the place is absolutely packed, wall to wall, with celebrities. It’s standing room only except for two booths near the front. I look at the guy and take a sip of champagne. He puts his finger up to his ear and pushes his ear piece deeper into his ear canal and speaks again…”He is not responding.” I laugh out loud at this and I think that may have angered his douchebagness a little because he seemed to get very agitated…”Do you have any idea who Ms. Hudson is? Find her a table.” Again I just stare at the guy wondering if he realizes what he does for a living. Now Jennifer Hudson is still standing near the entrance with the rest of her entourage of about 15 people (really, you need 15 people. In a room with Martin Scorcese, Mark Wahlberg, Reese Witherspoon, Madonna, etc…Jennifer Hudson is… how do you say…a nobody.) Anyway to make a long story longer I look at him and say…”There are two booths in the entire place man.” We look over at the booths. Dame Helen Mirren (Oscar winner for “The Queen”) is sitting in one, and in the other is Martin Scorsese (Oscar winner for “The Departed.”) “Which person, both of whom have no idea who Ms. Hudson is, would you like me to tell to get up?” With that he walks back to her and her other douchebags in a huff and reports that she is also a douchebag and should go home. Or maybe that’s just what I would have said to her, no way to know for sure. I think she is singing for the superbowl though. Just take after Whitney and sing it as it should be sung please.

Was Fitzgerald kept out of the endzone by his own player and then actually fumbled the ball only to be recovered by the Eagles? Why was this not reviewed? Am I the only one who saw this? I rewound that play several times and I am still not convinced the ball touched the goal line.

Wow DeSean Jackson with a hell of a rookie play. He ran down the Cards after a game changing interception to cause a fumble giving the ball back to the Eagles. That’s why you never give up on a play. Damn I love the playoffs.

Does anyone have a more perfect name for a wide receiver than Hank BASKET? He just got a big first down for the birds?

My roommate just said why don’t they hand it to Westbrook? The guy is unstoppable. With that, next two plays to Westbrook for a total of 23 yards. Brett may have a point.

By the way, the quarter is over and my laundry is still sitting in the laundry room, yet to go into the washing machine.

Oh my god, what a trick play ending with a bomb from Warner to Fitzgerald for a touchdown. For two teams I care nothing about this is turning out to be an awesome game.

Look at Kevin Curtis of the Eagles run. Huge gain on that pass. Curtis is like the white Usain Bolt of Philly. You can’t catch that guy. Remember that dude from Iowa who returned punts and kicks in the NFL? Bald headed white guy that might have been bionic I think. What in the hell was his name. Oh yeah, Tim Dwight. Just freakin” fast.

And Philly with another field goal to make it 14-6 Cards…My roommate is amazed that Arizona is winning, but let me interject with some football knoweldge by saying that it is taking trick plays for the Cards to be where they are in this game and the Eagles are just grinding it out and still in it. As time ticks by it is the Eagles that will be in the driver’s seat. Trick plays can only carry you for so long. Plus if I were a member of the Eagles defense you better believe that I step up my game. If only out of fear that Brian Dawkins will crush my skull. That guy is the definition of intense.

Man what is up with Edgerrin James. Just got a 22 yard gain. Try telling that guy he still can’t hang in the NFL.

Joe Buck just said that Kurt Warner doesn’t make many mistakes. Or was it Troy Aikman, I can’t tell their voices apart. Whomever it was, he seems to be right so far. But I wonder if it was always the case. When he stocked shelves at the supermarket several years ago, did he ever put Diet Coke where Diet Pepsi should have gone? I know I poke fun here but man what a great story this guy is. Talk about never giving up on a play, Warner has never given up on his dream. Superbowl winner and two time league MVP. He has gone from employee of the month to Hall of Famer.

WOW Fitzgerald with his third touchdown. It really isn’t fair. Unless it is a ridiculously horrible throw Fitzgerald is going to catch it. The guy is 6 foot 15 and has the ups of Lebron James. I could throw him a touchdown pass. This game is just amazingly silly to watch. What a turn of events…

What a kickoff. Did you see that? It hit the Eagles guy and Arizona recovered and the refs called it out of bounds. Are you kidding me? Are the refs Eagle fans? That is Arizona ball. This better bring out the red flag baby.

Now I am watching this replay with the rest of you and I see nothing indisputable to over turn the call but in my opinion this call should have never been made. It should have been Arizona ball and the Eagles should have had to challenge it.

The refs are saying that the ruling on the field is that the ball went out of bounds and therefor it is not a reviewable play. What a load of complete crap. The ball never went out of bounds. Ed Hochuli is wincing right now. Even he would have gotten that right. Or maybe he didn’t even see the play, probably at the gym. Ha.

Is it me or has this been the fastest first half ever?

I wonder if my clothes are still in the laundry room?

Is anyone else disappointed that Terry Bradshaw had to fly to Arizona and thus will not be at the FOX studios to give us his half time update? I love that guy.

Am I the only one truly amazed by Arizona?  But in thinking about it, should I be amazed by the Cardinals or is this just the norm for the Eagles? I mean it IS an NFC championship game and we all know Philly’s record there. I at least wanted this game to be interesting.

I am not going back on my statement that this half seemed to fly by, but the last 2:00 of the half seem to be dragging on longer than… well… something really long.

And Neil Rackers on the field to crush the hopes and dreams of Philly fans everywhere. And it’s good for another 3 points, making it a 3 score lead now. I realize there is another half to play but maybe Philly should just board the bus and slip out of town quietly now.

FINALLY, halftime. Time to see if my laundry has cleaned itself.

Maybe my sense of time is all off but that seemed to be the quickest halftime ever.

Wow, Klecko and Mcnabb with an awesome scrambling play. Called back, all for nothing on a Klecko hold. Man the Eagles are making this game uninteresting.

And with that said, Jason Avant with a simply awesome grab for a big gain leading to a DeSean Jackson first down. Speaking of Jackson, were there just too many Sean’s in the world when he was born?

McNabb misses yet another open receiver and with the very next play he fumbles. Maybe I was wrong when I said that McNabb didn’t need to be dominant today. It’s been known to happen.

I can’t believe it. I am actually starting to want the Cards to do well. I have nothing against them, I just originally wanted a good game. I did pick the Eagles to win in a blowout, but now I am finding myself with my thumb out, hitchhiking, hoping the Arizona bandwagon drives by.

Wow if not for that Eagles blitz that rushed Warner, Boldin would have snagged that ball for yet another touchdown and I would have been riding shotgun on the Cardinals bandwagon.

Oh and I didn’t mean to keep you in suspense. My laundry was still there and is now in the washing machines. Plus I was able to cram all of my darks into one machine so as to save a buck twenty five. Thrifty I am, my friends.

I am not trying to find excuses to root for Arizona now that they are up by a bazillion points, but follow me here. As a Redskins fan, I am thinking that if the Eagles lose this game, or is it too early to say “when” the Eagles lose this game (there is 8:45 left in the third as I type). If they lose, then will McNabb be run out of Philly. And if he is run out of Philly, might it be a possibility that he jumps on I-95 and makes the short drive to Landover, MD to sport the burgundy and gold? ( I have to be honest, I forgot what interstate you take to get from Philly to the DC area. I had to use a life line. I phoned a friend. Thanks Ross. Oh, and if any of you ever need directions anywhere feel free to call my buddy Ross. I swear his nose points magnetic north.

Oh My God…a 50 yard completion to my boy Kevin Curtis on 3rd and 19…And Curtis looked as if he was still pulling away from the defense as he caught that ball. Somebody talk some sense into me before I draft that guy #1 next year in my fantasy league.

And FINALLY the Eagles offense puts a touchdown on the board. 24-13. Uh-oh Cardinals. Crap, I think I may have jumped on your bandwagon too soon.

Ooh, first play after the touchdown drive and Warner is rushed and hit for an incompletion. Have Dawkins and his boys awakened? Holy crap, second play and Warner is shellacked for another incompletion. Wow, 3rd and 10 and Warner is sacked for a loss. Hmmmm….I think I may get off the bandwagon at the next stop.

And McNabb to Curtis for a gain of 15 yards and a first down. I am loving this Ebony to Ivory connection the birds got going on here. As an aside, when asked, most people would say that the VH-1 behind the music Blue Oyster Cult SNL skit was their best ever. But I am throwing my red challenge flag here. It is a great skit for sure, but is it as good as Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo doing Stevie Wonder and Frank Sinatra?

Man, my laundry needs to be shifted to the dryers and my roommate won’t go do it for me. I even offered him money. Oh well, mildew is good for clothing right?

Joe Buck just pointed out that it would be a 61 yard field goal from here. Really? Does that even need to be said? What kind of commentating is that? There is no reason that you should give us field goal yardage until it is under 50 yards…”And the Eagles take a knee in the end zone. They will start with the ball on the 20 yard line. It will be a 97 yard field goal attempt from here.” Thanks Joe, what would we do without you.

HOLY CRAP. McNabb to Brent Celek for another touchdown pass. But they miss the extra point. AN EXTRA POINT. I can kick an extra point. My sister can kick an extra point. Hey Philly, pay me several hundred thousand dollars a year and I will miss an extra point for you too. Or how about this, go for two. What in the hell were you thinking?

165- 1. That is the total yards in the third quarter, Eagles with the 165. Although Warner did just catch his own pass and gain 3 more yards to bring the Cardinals 3rd quarter total to an impressive 4 yards.

Quick run to the laundry room to switch ’em over and dry my threads before the 4th begins. Oh crap, it just started.

I just realized I’m wearing socks with flip flops. No wonder I get all the ladies. Ha.

OK so 11:15 left in the game and the Eagles are driving. Is it possible that the Cardinals were the ones that sneaked out and left at halftime?

I can not even begin to type what I actually screamed when DeSean Jackson caught that amazing, circus, juggling touchdown pass to put the Eagles up by one. But it was something like this. Oooooh!!! No *expletive* way. Are you *expletive* kidding me? Seriously? Seriously? (Evidently I ask a lot of questions when I am truly amazed.) Was that not the most amazing catch ever? (Clearly it was not the most amazing catch ever. I mean there was the Immaculate Reception. “The Catch” by Dwight Clark, which was even more awesome because it was made against the Cowboys. And of course the reception last year against the Patriots that allowed the Giants to win the Superbowl. But this grab, this was surely the greatest catch of this game). DeSean does need to work on his endzone dance though.

Is it me or is Brian Dawkins just scary. He hits so hard on every freakin’ play. Every single one.

3rd and short and Hightower did not get it. Wait, Joe just reminded me that the yellow line is not official, so I will wait for the measurement. And of course, I was right, he is short. What do you do? What do you do? Kenny decides to go for it. Interesting play coming up.

And turns out that Whisenhunt made the right decision. He gave it to the rookie, Hightower for a first down. A rookie gets the ball in what was such a huge play. In the biggest game of Kenny’s career he puts it in the hands of a rookie. That’s confidence. Any bets that Edgerrin will be looking for another team next year.

I love it. They just showed a Cards fan holding a sign that said “We are who we thought we were.” Fantastic.

I can’t believe this Arizona drive. It looks like they are trying to kill the clock and just kick a field goal. I don’t get that. There is 2:59 left.

Commercial. Thank god. I need a break. I am actually sweating here. This is a great freakin’ game. It has had everything. Trick plays, long bombs, a great comeback, missed kicks. It doesn’t get any better.

Arizona scores. And now they must go for two. So intriguing. It amazes me that the NFC will be represented in the Superbowl by a team (either the Eagles or the Cards) that didn’t even deserve to be in the playoffs this year. If this is not a prime example for a playoff system in college football I don’t know what is.

They got it. They got it. Two point conversion for Arizona. Man! The Cards are up by three. But there is still plenty of time on the clock for Philly. What will happen? What will the outcome be? I am going crazy here. I am jumping up and down, pacing back and forth, and I am not even routing for either team. This is insane. I don’t know what I want to happen here. This is such a weird position to be in. I am excited but don’t know why.

1st and 10 and McNabb throws to Westbrook who promptly drops it. Westbrook is having a horrible game.

2nd and 10 and McNabb hits Jackson for a 9 yard gain and he gets out of bounds. Nice play.

3rd and 1 and McNabb to Celek for a 5 yard gain and a first down. Philly realizes they have plenty of time. They are picking them apart.

1st and 10 and Westbrook shows up with an amazing catch for a 19 yard gain AND he gets out of bounds because they only have 1 timeout left. That is just good clock management. A real heads up play.

1st and 10 and McNabb throws an incompletion. Thank god. I am tired, my back hurts and I need a little breather.

2nd and 10 and DeSean is overthrown.

3rd and 10 and McNabb throws behind Hank Basket. It is 4th down and Philly is near midfield. We are at the two minute warning (Thank god. My fingers are wiped out from typing). You have no idea but I have a billion typos that I will have to go back and correct in this column. Most of these words, I can’t even read what I was typing.

4th and 10. Here we go…What? Are you kidding me? No pass interference flag? Kevin Curtis was tackled before the ball got there. I need to see a replay. Yeah, he completely tackled him. The Card defender tripped and fell but he tripped and fell on Curtis’ legs causing him to fall. That is pass interference. Hmmm, that will be talked about all week.

OK I just saw that replay again and without a doubt THAT WAS PASS INTERFERENCE. I don’t care who wins but come on refs, you shouldn’t either. MAKE YOUR CALLS. Now we will never know if the Cardinals deserve to be in the Superbowl. You think the Cards want it this way? Nobody wants it decided by a referee but now the NFC has their Superbowl team possibly decided by a no call.

I just had a conversation with my roommate that went like this.

• Brett: Dude, it’s been 10 years since Warner won the Superbowl.
• Me: What? Seriously? But they just said he was 37 yrs old.
• Brett: Yeah, that means he was 27 when he won it with the Rams.
• Me: You were always good in math.
• Brett: Dick.
• Me: Seriously though, I thought he was 37 when he won it back then.
• Brett: Me too. This guy is like Dick Clark. He doesn’t age. He has been 37 ever since he restocked that palette of dial soap on aisle 8.

OK that last line I made up, but doesn’t it seem like this guy has been the same age since he fist came on the scene all those years ago. He is an impressive story. Simply impressive.

And now the confetti is falling as the Cards win a phenomenally exciting game. They just interviewed a Cardinal player who was crying. Come on dude, you still have one more game to play. I am afraid that this is their superbowl and they won’t show up next game.

See I told you the Cardinals would win. I have been on their bandwagon since…(trying hard to think back that far) since the 2nd quarter. Go Cardinals. Man that stadium is really cool.

Time to get my laundry.

You are on your own for the AFC game folks.

As always questions, comments, and insults are encouraged.

Randoms

“Randoms” is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day.  Most are sports related, but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in.

• The Yankees decided last year to grow their team through their farm system. Gone were the days of big money acquisitions and trying to buy the World Series…You see, this is why I love the Yankees. Some of their most recent off-season acquisitions include:

1. AJ Burnett……………….5 years/$82.5 million
2. Mark Teixeira………….8 years/$180 million
3. C.C. Sabathia…………..7 years/$161 million

• Oh, and in true Yankee fashion, after spending enough money to buy half of the countries in Africa, all of Tahiti, Fiji, the Virgin Islands, and Whoville, they had the berries to go to the people of New York and ask the great state for hundreds of millions of dollars in bonds to help pay for their new ballpark…Freakin’ priceless.

• Do you have those friends or family members that call you, get your recording and proceed to leave the entire conversation that they were going to have with you on your voicemail?

• Watch LIFE on NBC. Shameless plug, I know, but the show employees me since Techsideline.com doesn’t pay me for these columns anymore. I do it for free now, for you people. I’m so selfless. And if you are a fan of Virginia Tech sports or the ACC please take the time to visit Techsideline.com. Great website.

• Whenever traffic is bad on the 101 and you want to kill the stupid drivers around you…never, ever get off and take Ventura because you actually might.

• Always cracks me up to see a car with unbelievably tricked out rims. If only they’d gotten stock rims they would be driving around in a much nicer car for the same amount of money. I am guilty as well. Though in my defense, every possible wheel on the market is currently worth more than my trusty ride. It’s just how I roll.

• I don’t care if it was the easiest or the most difficult and amazing landing ever. If I am ever in a plane crash where everyone gets out alive and the Captain has the character to NOT run to the nearest exit but instead walk the plane TWICE to make sure he is the last person off, the term “HERO” can not be over used.

• Apparently I am getting crap for not posting something every five seconds. Therefor I have taken a solemn oath to “try” (I have commitment issues) to post a new column whenever I can. How’s that for being definitive? I have taken the necessary step of surgically attaching my laptop to my beer gut so as to have it available for blogging at a moments notice. But rest assured if all fails, I will post at least one a week.

• How about those Detroit Lions? Now I believe that I have missed probably my only, but definitely my best opportunity to become an NFL head coach. Jim Schwartz (the Titans old defensive coordinator) was recently named the Lions new head coach. But really the press release could have read Jeff Cockey appointed the Detroit Lions new man in charge. Either way it doesn’t matter. Anyone would do better than the last guy. The bar is set so low that I would have been considered a success by the good people of Detroit. Opportunity, why did you skip over my door?

• Now by no means do I want to get political on this blog…EVER. But how does making people hours late for work because you and your buddies decide to hold up a peace sign in the middle of the street, stop two warring countries from fighting?

Warring country #1: Oh wait guys. Guys, hold on a sec. Look…Look…Those people in LA are having a peace rally. They are holding up traffic for miles. They are angering nearly the entire Los Angeles metropolitan area, all because they want us to get along.

Warring Country #2: That is so kind of them. How thoughtful.

Warring Country #1: You want to put down our rockets, become the best of friends and go split a subway sandwich?

Warring Country #2: Home of the $5 footlong? What a great idea. I don’t even remember why we were fighting anyway. Thank you good people of LA for showing us the way by costing people time and creating aggravation. This sub sure is great.

SEGUE -Is Subway’s $5 footlong deal not the freakin’ greatest thing of all time? I might be slightly exaggerating but it’s definitely top 10, sandwiched (pun intended) somewhere between Rock Band and the Roomba.

SEGWAY – The absolute dumbest, most ridiculous invention of all time. Fat lazy people and mall cops (shameless plug for Kevin James’ new movie for which I auditioned and did not receive a role. Surprisingly it still looks funny). Anyway, fat lazy people and mall cops rejoice because if you were ever worried about unnecessarily burning a calorie walking that block and a half to Taco Bell, your prayers have been answered. Although if I had a Segway I may have been able to maneuver through that crowd of protesters out there changing the world. Alas, I was left to sit in my car and come up with this random.

• The Denver Broncos announced that they are not planning to meet with Bill Romanowski about being the coach of anything for Denver. Romanowski considered this for a moment and then fractured their eye sockets.

• I am going to make some weekend picks. In between thinking about going to the gym, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and reading through the mountain of comments that you guys will surely be leaving me on this blogsite, I will watch a little football. Now I care nothing about the remaining teams. My team sucked butt this year and disappointed me yet again. But in defense of Dan Snyder and my Redskins, he is making it so that I am becoming used to mediocrity and failure, thus allowing me to not get so upset when we once again produce a sub-par season. That said, let’s make some picks:

PHILLY v. ARIZONA – It’s Donovan’s time. He may not be dominant but with Westbrook and Dawkins on his team he doesn’t need to be. Philly by a lot.

RAVENS v. THE ONLY NON-BIRD TEAM (to steal a line from PTIs Tony Kornheiser) – I’ve got to go with the Ravens in this sure to be high scoring affair. Sorry Pennsylvania but I, and the NFL ratings commission don’t want to see an all “ruffed grouse” superbowl. So it is set… An all aviary final between the Eagles of Philadelphia and the Ravens of Baltimore.

• Ovechkin is a beast. I don’t know if he has done anything spectacular in the last few days, but it just needed to be said. I had the pleasure, over the holidays, of sitting right on the glass and watching him masterfully take apart a pretty good Buffalo Sabres team. (Thank you again for that, Paulson). He scored one of the most improbable goals of the season prompting me to want to personally thank Ted Leonsis for this gift to Washington Capitals fans.

• Big game this Saturday for my Virginia Tech Hokies. Our basketball team is taking on the Boston College Eagles at Cassell Coliseum. Win, and we have a winning record (for now) in ACC play. Pretty cool for a football school. I’ll take a 12-5 record midway through the season. Let’s not give ’em a chance to keep us out of the dance this year. Kick some ass Hokies. Wish I could be there.

• The Boston Redsox  made sure that THE NATION would have another four years of making announcers explain…”And if you’ve just tuned in, they aren’t yelling ‘boo’ they are yelling ‘Youk.'” Kevin Youkilis will give us four more years of his beautiful bald head in Beantown baby. You can’t see but I am actually dancing a jig right now.

• So picture this: I am at work and we are filming on a closed street. Suddenly a car drives over the orange cones and swerves to a stop close to the curb, a la OJ. The driver is not wearing a seat belt, he is obviously drunk, there is a bong and weed on his front passenger seat, and the cops who were helping us lock down the street let him go. Seriously. Called the guy a cab and told him to pick up his car in the morning…WOW. Dude if you are reading this, go play the lottery, immediately.

• Another Shameless plug…Read THE SPORTS GUY on ESPN.com and in ESPN the Magazine. Bill Simmons is simply the funniest sports writer around. I’d rank him somewhere close to the $5 footlong but just after RockBand. There’s not much better than RockBand, ‘cept maybe drunk RockBand.

• So Mark Sanchez, QB for the USC Trojans has decided to turn pro. An ESPN column was titled “Carroll steamed as USC QB turns pro.” It contained a quote from Mark’s coach Pete Carroll that read “The facts are so strong against this decision. After analyzing all the information the truth is there, he should have stayed for another year. He lost out on a chance to fully prepare himself.” Pete, way to build up your boy in front of the NFL. You claim you want the best for your players but when you don’t agree with their decisions you throw them under the NFL bus. Nice work Pete. I’m sure Sanchez loves you right about now. Say that crap in private to Mark and if he still decides to go pro, you support the kid wholeheartedly. Not exactly the smoothest move ever Pete.

I hope that this satisfies your thirst for more posts Kathleen. I will try to get the next one up more quickly boss.  Oh and Schill, still no comments. What gives?

Folks if you think of any randoms of your own please feel free to let me know. As always questions, comments, and insults are welcome.

Randoms

“Randoms” is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day.  Most are sports related, but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in.

• Anyone else find it a bit annoying that the Cardinals and Chargers made the playoffs but the 11-5 Pats are sitting at home? It’s like having a “Best Of” American Idol show and having that “other host” from Season 1 host it while Seacrest sits at home frosting his tips.

• I would like to advise Dan Snyder to offer a first round draft pick to the Bill Belichick next year in return for Bill’s late round second string quarterback selection. First Brady and now Cassel, are you kidding me? Would love to have seen Matt Cassel follow in Brady’s footsteps and win a superbowl after replacing the injured first stringer.

• Is there a better defense out there than the Baltimore Ravens? I got nothing funny here to say. Just a damn good defense. As an aside, where in the hell did this Flacco kid come from? Was he some highly touted kid out of college and I just had my head up my ass? I mean I know he was talked about, but he just became the first rookie to win two playoff games. Flacco! Where did he even go to college? Freakin’ Delaware. They have a football team? The Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens. Really? Nice work Joe.

• Yeah yeah yeah, I know I’m a Hokie and really have no room to talk about mascots. But, ahhh… just shut up.

• Let’s talk sports announcers. There are a lot that I like and a lot that I do not. But come on Shannon Sharpe, nobody can understand a word you are freakin’ saying. Oh, and Chris Collinsworth just needs to go. Go far far away. Dude looks like he would snap like a twig in a stiff wind.

• John Madden, that’s a topic for another time.

• Also, what’s up with Curt Schilling? I mean, I go to Angels stadium during the playoffs to watch my man pitch during our amazing ’07 World Series run and he hasn’t even bothered to comment on my blog page yet? What’s a guy got to do Schill?

• So Keith Bullock of the Tennessee Titans, #53, was shown walking back into the locker room after losing to the Baltimore Ravens. He was pushing over metal barriers as he walked. Now I know you just lost a playoff game, but what are we twelve years old? Lose like a man.

• So this chick I know just read my blog thus far and proceeded to claim that she told me last year that I should start blogging. “Who said last year that you should start a blog? Who said it? Was it you? Wait, no I don’t think so? I think it was, yeah… that’s right, it was ME!” Well if this blog eats shit and people hate it then…hell yeah it was your idea girlie…Chicks….

• So another fantasy football league ends with me crashing and burning in a firey pit of self loathing while the same chick from the above random almost makes our league’s superbowl. I mean she doesn’t even know where Joe Flacco went to college…Chicks…

• Why does nobody tackle the defensive player who is running back the turnover by their ridiculous hair do that sticks out of their helmets to their asses? Speaking of which, ever notice Marion Barbers helmet? The cowboys running back has so much freakin’ hair that it pushes his helmet so far back on his head that his nose practically pokes through his facemask.

• So I recently finished my New Years Resolutions. Am I the only one that finds themselves recycling the same shit they didn’t achieve the previous year? This will be the seventh year running that I’ll learn Spanish and to play the guitar. Odd thing is that I still get excited, like I’m really gonna do it this year. Ahh, the games we play with ourselves.

• So my roommate Brett wanted to get blog credit, so this random is his if it sucks…Why is it that people buy brand new jeans with holes in them?… Then he pointed to my jeans and said “Like yours bitch. You’re gay.”

• Why is Arizona suddenly studly? They don’t belong in the playoffs. They lost to my woeful Redskins this year. Speaking of which what in the hell is the deal with Zorn getting me all excited with a 6-2 start only to end the season crapping out. I’d have rather been a Lions fan this year. At least they had something to strive for. Consistency is the key.

• Here’s what bugs me:

1. people who speak about themselves in the third person, like Chad Johnson.
2. people who change their names to something unbelievably stupid, like Ocho Cinco.
3. people who feel they need to do something unbelievably childish just to get recognition for performing the job for which they are paid millions of dollars, like endzone celebrations a la Chad Ocho Cinco Johnson.

• So I used to love macaroni and cheese as a kid. Actually still do. It’s a favorite. But as an adult I discovered that you can put more than just orange colored powdered cheese on elbow macaroni. Dude, I had it the other day with carmelized onions, bacon, blue cheese and mozzarella cheese. Some people put crumbled pieces of saltines over the top of theirs but I suggest crumbling cheetos. Seriously. Try it and let me know. I would myself but Jeff Cockey can’t risk ruining a perfectly good batch of mac and cheese.

• So I am going to a movie tonight and my date wants to see “Marley and Me” while I am thinking “Gran Torino.” My roommate started giving me shit for even considering “Marley and Me.” But I am pretty sure that a guy whose last two movies consisted of “Momma Mia and Momma Mia – the sing along version, gave up his man card awhile ago…

• Is it me or is Michael Strahan’s front tooth gap getting wider?

• I am so sick of Laker fans talking smack about beating the Celtics this year a week ago. Really? Do you want to open up that can of worms?

• Laker fans, are like USC fans. Your team is not always the best. You lost to Stanford last year. You lost to Oregon State this year. Utah deserves it over you. My buddy at work actually blamed the fact that USC was not in the national championship on the fact that the games are played so late in the day, due to the time difference, that voters couldn’t stay up late enough to watch. Hilarious or sad?

• Pinkberry. Need I say more? Laced with crack. Has to be.

• And finally…please let there be another Carrie Underwood in this group of potential American Idols. She can dig her keys into the side of my pretty little suped up ’91 Honda Accord anytime…

Folks if you can think of any randoms as well please feel free to let me know. As always questions, comments, and insults are more than welcome.