“I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany”

“Ohh, it’s the deep burn. Oh, it’s so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm ’cause I did so many. I don’t know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.” Over a thousand? Was he juicing too? We may never know. But we do know someone who was injecting the fountain of youth, Alex Rodriguez come on down. You’re the next contestant on Roids are Right… in your veins and you weren’t going to tell anyone about it until you got caught and had to come clean about your cheating ways in order to try to save a little face in an otherwise dwindling career that has yielded no Championship ring and thus you have turned this once proud team sport into your personal showcase purely to get into Cooperstown. But my how this recent dark cloud will rain upon your hopes and dreams. Remember you are a cheater as you take a look at this next item up for bids. Why it’s a beautiful set of hospital grade hypodermic needles, Bob. Alex your bid please.

Let’s all take a moment to feel sorry for poor A-Rod. And…moment over. What kind of a message are we sending when the richest contract in professional baseball, twice over, has been awarded to a man who cheated to earn them? All I know is that I am pestering my pharma rep roommate to get some free high grade HGH from his doctors. Let the masses of kids who want to get ahead in sports thank you now for their ever shrinking bean bags, Alex.

How will his legacy be evaluated? Gene Wojciechowski writes a great column for ESPN about A-Rod and his chances at Cooperstown. A-Rod asked the fans of the great sport of baseball to judge him from this day forward. Well, as Gene points out, that erases all of his years with the Seattle Mariners from 94-2000 and his years with the Rangers where he earned the largest baseball contract ever signed at the time. A contract, mind you only to be rivaled by, you guessed it, A-Rod himself when signing with the Yankees (coincidentally just after he had been juicing for 3? straight years). Bottom line with Gene’s column is that A-Rod has 9 more years with the Yankees (under his current contract) and you need 10 years of MLB service to qualify for the Hall of Fame, so if we start judging A-Rod on his performance, ethics, and everything else the Hall takes into consideration, from this day forward, A-Rod falls short of being eligible for the HOF by 1 year. Now he very well may garner another contract after this one expires but he will be well into his 40’s then and that, my friends, is when he will need to inject the good stuff just to get himself resigned. Wojo is willing to give A-Rod last year’s stats so that he can earn Hall of Fame consideration under his current contract with the Evil Empire, I however, am not so willing to accept that. Judge you from this day forward I will A-Rod. Better hope someone mercy signs you in 9 years so that you become eligible. I don’t think it will be an issue though. If it were to ever come to that, which of course it won’t, James Robert “Radio” Kennedy and Charles “Corky” Thatcher, who are now running the Yankees, will surely see to it that A-Rod has his chance.

In other news around the diamond owner of the Red Sox, John Henry, is once again calling for a salary cap in baseball. He would like to see the sport become more competitive. Smaller markets will begin to flourish and empty stadiums might once again fill up for America’s past-time. Henry called for this several years ago too but it was a notion that fell on deaf ears. I wonder if those with the power will take his suggestion seriously this time. It is odd that the owner of a team that is consistently one of the top five biggest spenders is calling for a salary cap. Maybe, just maybe he actually cares about the sport as a whole. Also I am pretty sure that the Yankees spending approx. $423 million in contracts for JUST 3 players has a little something to do with it. Folks, I bitch because I am more than a little nervous. Their rotation is scary good this year and they juiced (pun intended) their line-up big time by adding Tex.

It always seems to go back to the Yankees, but again they garner interest. The world is in an economic slump. How bad is this slump? The Red Sox are at risk of having their sell-out streak at Fenway Park end this year. Some might call that a crisis. Our good President called this economy a “crisis” over 20 times in one speech the other day. Way to build confidence in your constituents and the rest of America and the financial markets for that matter. Politics aside, if the top dog is calling our current state an economic crisis then will someone please lend me their English to Yankees dictionary so I can let the dynamic-Steinbrenner-duo know. They just dropped over $420 million on three guys who play a game for a living for chrissake. Plus, they just put the finishing touches on a brand new kajillion dollar stadium (I checked the numbers and kajillion is exactly fairly accurate, give or take). That’s quite a few $5 footlongs that could have been purchased to cure hunger in a small country for the rest of eternity. But, it is baseball after all. Is it worth it? I look forward to the days when baseball is more competitive. It will make it more exciting for everyone. Maybe the Twins will actually have a shot then. Ooohhh, a harsh shot fired right over the bow of the good ship Riley. Game on baby, spring training has arrived.

Speaking of spring training I once again am toying with the idea of purchasing a team in a fantasy baseball keeper league. Now, understanding that the best teams will probably not be for sale and that I will be shelling out a couple Benjamins for a team with a starting rotation equivalent to that of my “Threshold” softball team (we won two games that season I believe), I obviously struggle with this decision. Is the fun of losing twenty straight weeks of fantasy baseball worth a few hundred dollars? Is losing twenty straight weeks of fantasy baseball even considered “fun?” Nope, not at all. But neither is living paycheck to paycheck struggling to make ends meet as a starving actor but I am already dwelling in that self created hell so why stop the bleeding now? I look at it this way. Yes I will lose a lot this year and maybe the next but this is a keeper league and eventually I will turn it around. It is my one chance to actually be the owner/manager of a sports franchise. I get to join the ranks of John Henry, Mark Cuban and Ted Leonsis. I get to create something from nothing. Or maybe I will just create nothing from nothing. But you know what they say, consistency is the key. Plus, when I get tired of it, some poor schmuck will surely buy the team from me one day, right?

Let me see if I can provide any more interesting baseball tidbits that don’t have to do with the Red Sox or Yankees. Ah yes, my dear friends the Rileys have arguably the best catcher in baseball on their beloved Minnesota Twins roster. He holds a batting title, I believe. He’s an all-star who is young, yet to reach the prime of his career, and he has two more years on his contract with the – notorious for spending just enough money to not quite make it to the big game – Twins. Now several hundred miles East sits a team with an all-star catcher who is arguably the best game caller in baseball, but is older and happens to have past his prime. He just signed on for two final seasons catching with a team notorious for making great deals to bring their city championships. Do I see a match made in heaven here? A future wedding two years in the making? “Guess what, I do. I know that one day (these two may) get married on top of a mountain, and there’s going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then (their) children will form a family band. And (they’ll) tour the countryside and you won’t be invited.” OK I don’t actually know all of that for certain but, I can tell you two things for sure. 1) If he is available in two years, they will make a strong and very convincing run for him and B) I am probably no longer welcome in the Riley household. Though I will argue that Marty (their Burmese Mountain Dog) still loves me.

Well I’ve proved that I actually can not write anything about baseball that doesn’t involve the Sox or Yankees so I think I will end it here and start compiling information for my Spring Training column to come out whenever I figure out what in the hell to write.

“You stay classy San Diego.“